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When Mother's Day Isn't a Hallmark Moment: Finding Peace While Parenting a Child with PDA and Autism


A mother and her neurodivergent child share a gentle embrace by a sunlit window. The child, who has autism and PDA, is nestled against mom's shoulder in a comforting position that respects sensory needs. Their connection is tender and authentic, capturing a peaceful moment of connection on Mother's Day that honors both the child's neurodivergence and the mother's loving acceptance.
Image Courtesy of istockphoto.com

Mother's Day is upon us again. The stores are filled with cheerful cards, brunches are being booked, and social media is ready to burst with smiling family photos. But for many mothers raising children with Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) and autism, and other complex needs—including developmental disabilities, rare conditions, chronic illness, and mental health challenges—this day can bring a complicated mix of emotions. The "greeting card" version of Mother's Day often feels worlds apart from the lived experience of parents navigating the unique journey of raising children with additional needs.


As a mother navigating this journey with my daughter, I've experienced firsthand how Mother's Day can become a day of reflection on both what is and what could have been.


Today, I want to have an honest conversation about grieving what Mother's Day could be while also honoring the unique, beautiful path we're on.


Understanding the Grief That Comes with Difference


When my daughter was diagnosed with autism and PDA, I found myself experiencing waves of grief that I wasn't prepared for. It wasn't grief for my child—who is perfect exactly as she is—but grief for the expectations I had unconsciously built around motherhood.


I had pictured Mother's Days filled with homemade cards, family outings without meltdowns, and ease in celebrating together. The reality has often looked different. Sometimes, the very nature of a special day with its heightened expectations becomes too much pressure for a child with PDA and autism. The implicit demands of "be happy today," "participate in this tradition," or "let's go to a crowded restaurant" can trigger anxiety and avoidance behaviors.


As one mother shared, "Mother's Day can feel like a spotlight on what doesn't work in our family, compared to what we see in commercials or on social media. But it's also an opportunity to celebrate the unique ways our children show love."


Grief doesn't mean we love our children any less. It simply acknowledges that the reality of our motherhood journey differs from what we might have anticipated. And that's okay to recognize.


The Impact of autism and PDA on Family Celebrations


For those unfamiliar with Pathological Demand Avoidance and autism (or as many in the community prefer to call it, Persistent Drive for Autonomy), it's important to understand how it affects everyday life, including celebrations like Mother's Day.


Children with PDA experience extreme anxiety around demands and expectations. What might seem like a simple request—"Let's take a nice photo for Mother's Day"—can feel overwhelmingly threatening to a child with PDA. This isn't defiance or bad behavior; it's a neurological response to perceived loss of autonomy.


As author and PDA expert Harry Thompson notes, "The overriding feature of this neurotype is an intense and pervasive need for personal freedom and self-determination" (PDA Society, 2023). This need for autonomy can make traditional celebrations challenging when they come with built-in expectations.


My own daughter struggles when she feels pressured to perform happiness or gratitude in prescribed ways. I've learned that forcing traditional Mother's Day activities often leads to increased anxiety for her and disappointment for me. Instead, we've had to redefine what celebration means in our family.


What Mother's Day Actually Looks Like: A Personal Story


Before we talk about creating new traditions, I want to share what a real Mother's Day looks like in our home. This morning, my daughter woke up early, hissing and screaming at me for reasons I couldn't understand. Every three minutes, she announced she was "bored" despite my efforts to plan several activities I thought she might enjoy. She became increasingly frustrated and angry when I explained we couldn't do all the activities she wanted because of the holiday—some places were closed, others too crowded.


There were no peaceful breakfast moments or sweet handmade cards. Instead, there were meltdowns, demands, and the constant refrain of "I'm bored" that can feel so defeating when you've tried your hardest to create a special day. This is the reality many of us live with—a reality that rarely makes it to social media posts or greeting cards.


And yet, even in these challenging moments, there are glimpses of connection that make it all worthwhile. The brief moment when my daughter spontaneously gave me a hug. The creative solution she came up with when one of our plans fell through. These authentic interactions mean more to me than any performative Mother's Day ritual ever could.


When Special Days Intensify autism and PDA Challenges


Special occasions like Mother's Day can intensify the challenges associated with autism and Pathological Demand Avoidance (Persistent Drive for Autonomy). While all families navigate expectations around holidays, for our children with PDA and autism, these days can create a perfect storm of anxiety triggers.


The heightened expectations of "special" behavior, the disruption to routine, the sensory experiences of new environments or activities, and the social demands to participate "appropriately" can all contribute to increased stress. What might appear as resistance or withdrawal is often an attempt to manage overwhelming feelings.


My daughter's reactions on Mother's Day aren't personal rejections—they're her way of coping with a day full of implicit expectations and sensory challenges. Understanding this has helped me shift from feeling hurt to recognizing when she needs additional support or space.


According to autism advocates, special days can create what some call "expectation overload" (PDA Society, 2023). The pressure to perform happiness, gratitude, or social niceties on command can trigger anxiety and subsequent avoidance behaviors. This awareness has transformed how we approach special days together.


The Reality Behind "Special" Mother's Day Activities


What might look like a lovely Mother's Day tradition on the outside often involves layers of complexity that others don't see. Take today, for example. We have plans to get our nails painted together—my mother, my daughter, and me. On social media, this might look like a perfect three-generation celebration, worthy of heart emojis and "making memories" comments.


The reality? The entire event will be consumed by my focused efforts to prevent my daughter from having a meltdown while we're at the salon. I'll be strategically planning every detail: bringing her preferred snacks, having backup activities ready on my phone, requesting the nail technician who worked well with her last time, and mentally preparing exit strategies if things go south.


All of this while I'm away from my own home, visiting my mom to celebrate her Mother's Day too. The weight of managing everyone's expectations and emotions is exhausting. There are moments—and I know other parents will understand this—when I feel my daughter is essentially ruining our day with her reactions and requirements. All I really want to do is take a nap, hide my head under the blanket, and escape the constant vigilance.


These conflicting feelings are rarely acknowledged in Mother's Day cards. The guilt of sometimes resenting the very child you deeply love. The sadness of not being able to fully engage with your own mother because your attention is constantly divided. The mental and emotional labor that goes into what should be a simple, enjoyable outing.


Yet this is motherhood too—complex, demanding, and sometimes far from the idealized version we imagined. Acknowledging these feelings doesn't make us bad mothers; it makes us honest ones.


Creating New Traditions That Honor Everyone's Needs


The journey of grieving what Mother's Day could be eventually leads to a beautiful destination: creating new traditions that work for your unique family. This doesn't mean giving up on celebrating altogether, but rather reimagining what celebration can look like.


In our home, we've discovered several approaches that help make Mother's Day meaningful while respecting my daughter's need for autonomy:

  • Lowering expectations and communicating clearly about what the day will involve

  • Offering choices rather than presenting fixed plans ("Would you like to help make breakfast or would you prefer to make a card later?")

  • Building in plenty of downtime and escape routes from activities

  • Focusing on connection rather than performance

  • Celebrating on a different day if Mother's Day itself feels too loaded with pressure


These adaptations didn't come easily at first. I had to process my grief for traditional celebrations and open myself to new possibilities. What I discovered was that our unique celebrations often hold more meaning precisely because they're tailored to who we really are as a family.


As one mother of a child with autism and PDA shared, "When I stopped trying to force the Hallmark version of Mother's Day and started accepting the authentic version my family could offer, I found more joy than I ever expected."


Finding Community in Shared Experience


One of the most healing aspects of navigating grief around Mother's Day has been connecting with other mothers who understand this complex emotional landscape. There's profound comfort in knowing you're not alone in your feelings.


Online communities, local support groups, and even informal friendships with other parents of neurodivergent children can provide a safe space to express both the challenges and unexpected gifts of this journey. These connections remind us that there's no single "right way" to experience motherhood or to celebrate Mother's Day.


When I first joined a support group for parents of children with PDA and autism, I was amazed at how many other mothers nodded in recognition when I described my mixed feelings about Mother's Day. Their understanding helped me feel less isolated in my grief and more empowered to create meaningful alternatives.


Honoring Your Feelings While Moving Forward


Grieving what Mother's Day could be doesn't mean you'll always feel sadness around this holiday. Grief isn't a static state but a process that evolves over time. As you adapt and create new traditions, you may find that the sharp edges of disappointment soften into acceptance and even appreciation for the unique way your family celebrates.


That said, it's important to honor your feelings, whatever they may be. If Mother's Day brings up difficult emotions, give yourself permission to acknowledge them. Talk with a trusted friend, journal, or consider working with a therapist who understands the particular challenges of parenting a child with PDA and autism.


Remember that experiencing grief doesn't diminish your love for your child or your gratitude for the gift of being their mother. It simply recognizes the complexity of the human heart, which can hold multiple truths simultaneously.


Practical Tips for a More Manageable Mother's Day


If you're approaching Mother's Day with some apprehension, here are some practical strategies that have helped our family and others in the PDA community:

  • Adjust your expectations: Rather than planning an elaborate day, focus on one small meaningful interaction.

  • Create a low-demand environment: Reduce the number of transitions, social engagements, and new experiences on the day.

  • Prioritize sensory comfort: Choose activities and environments that respect your child's sensory needs.

  • Build in escape routes: Have backup plans and easy ways for your child to take breaks if needed.

  • Focus on connection over performance: Value authentic moments of connection over performative displays of celebration.

  • Practice self-compassion: Be gentle with yourself if the day doesn't go as planned.

  • Celebrate your journey: Take time to acknowledge your growth as a parent of a child with unique needs.


These techniques aren't about lowering your standards—they're about creating realistic conditions where everyone in the family can thrive.


A Different Kind of Mother's Day Gift


While I've spent time grieving what Mother's Day could be, I've also discovered unexpected gifts in our journey. Parenting a child with PDA and autism has taught me profound lessons about unconditional love, flexibility, and what truly matters in relationships.


My daughter may not express her love in conventional ways, but when she does show affection—in her own time and on her own terms—it carries a special authenticity that takes my breath away. These moments aren't scheduled for the second Sunday in May, but they are precious beyond measure.


I've also gained a deeper appreciation for my own resilience. Mothering a child with PDA requires creativity, patience, and strength that I didn't know I possessed until this journey called it forth. On Mother's Day, I now make time to honor not just my relationship with my child, but also my growth as a person.


Perhaps most importantly, I've learned that love doesn't need to follow prescribed forms to be real and meaningful. As we create our own unique ways to connect and celebrate, we're writing a new story about what motherhood can be—one that makes room for the full spectrum of human neurodiversity.


Next Steps: Supporting Your Journey


If you're navigating the complex emotions of Mother's Day while parenting a child with PDA and autism, please know that comprehensive support is available through our resources. Here's how we can help:

We understand that parenting a child with PDA and autism can be all-consuming. Between managing meltdowns, advocating at school meetings, researching therapies, and handling daily routines, who has time to sit and read? That's why we created the audiobook version—so you can absorb life-changing strategies while driving to appointments, preparing meals, or taking those rare moments of solitude.


Many parents tell us the audiobook has been a lifeline during particularly challenging periods. As one mother shared, "I listen to chapters repeatedly when I need specific guidance. It's like having a supportive friend right in my ear during the hardest moments."

Our website complements the book by offering an active, supportive community where you can connect with other parents who truly understand your experiences. The forums, regularly updated resources, and expert webinars provide ongoing support as your child grows and your family's needs evolve.


Remember: you're not alone, and with the right resources and community, you can transform your experience of special days like Mother's Day into something meaningful for your unique family.


Your Turn


I'd love to hear about your experiences with Mother's Day as a parent of a child with PDA and autism. Have you found ways to transform grief into new traditions? What strategies have helped your family navigate celebrations?


How do you balance honoring your own needs while supporting your child's need for autonomy during special days?


Share your thoughts in the comments below, and let's continue to build a community of understanding and support for one another.


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