Unique Ways Your Child with Autism and PDA May Show Love

Understanding the Subtle Ways Your Child with Autism and PDA May Show Love

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As parents of children with autism and Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA), also known as Persistent Drive for Autonomy, we often find ourselves searching for connection. While typical expressions of affection might be challenging for our children, they absolutely feel and show love—just in their own unique ways.

My journey with my daughter has taught me that love doesn't always look like what we expect. Those hugs I craved sometimes felt overwhelming to her sensory system. The eye contact I initially interpreted as disinterest was actually her way of processing emotions without additional input. Through tears, countless conversations with other parents, and honestly, a lot of trial and error, I've learned to recognize and cherish her special ways of showing love.

Today, I want to share some of these discoveries with you, parent to parent. If you've ever wondered if your child feels the connection you so desperately want to nurture, this post is for you. Let's explore the beautiful, unexpected ways your child with autism and PDA may show love—expressions that, once recognized, can fill your heart in ways you never imagined.

The Language of Love Through Special Interests

When my daughter spends hours telling me about her favorite topic—detailed facts about dolphins, their habitats, migration patterns—I've learned this isn't just info-dumping. This is intimacy. This is her saying, "I want to share the thing that brings me joy with the person I care about most."

Children with autism and PDA often express affection by sharing their special interests. When your child invites you into their world of dinosaurs, trains, or complex mathematical patterns, they're offering you something deeply meaningful to them. It's like they're sharing their most precious treasures.

My friend Sarah noticed her son would bring his beloved collection of rocks to her when she was sad. He didn't have the words to offer comfort, but he brought what gave him comfort—a profound act of empathy and love that she almost missed interpreting.

The next time your child excitedly shows you their latest creation or talks endlessly about their special interest, recognize it for what it truly is—a love letter in their native language.

Showing Love Through Proximity

Love doesn't always look like cuddles. Sometimes, it looks like choosing to be in the same room with you when they could be alone. Children with autism and PDA may find intense social interaction overwhelming, but their choice to be near you speaks volumes.

Your child may not sit on your lap or maintain eye contact, but notice how they position themselves within your orbit—perhaps reading quietly beside you or playing independently within your view. This proximity seeking is one of the clearest signs of attachment.

I remember the evening I realized my daughter had created a routine of sitting at the far end of the couch while I worked. She needed space but chose to be near me when she could have been anywhere else in the house. That physical closeness, that conscious choice to share space, was her way of saying, "I feel safe with you. I want to be where you are."

Functional Communication as Love

When a child with PDA and autism expresses their needs clearly, that's not just communication—it's an act of trust. Many of our children struggle with expressing themselves, especially during emotional moments. When they tell you they need space, that the light is too bright, or that they're feeling overwhelmed, they're trusting you with their vulnerability.

Children with autism and PDA often develop functional communication systems that may not look like typical social communication but serve profound relational purposes. This trust in your response is a remarkable expression of love.

My daughter's willingness to tell me when she needs a break has developed over years of building trust. When she says, "Mom, I need to go to my calm space now," she's saying, "I trust you to understand my needs." That trust is the foundation of love.

Consistency and Routines as Expressions of Care

Many children with autism and PDA thrive on routines and may become distressed when those routines change. What you might not realize is that when your child includes you in their routines, they're expressing deep attachment.

My daughter has a bedtime routine that must include me reading exactly three pages of a story—no more, no less. For years, I saw this as rigid behavior to manage. Now I understand it differently: I am essential to her sense of security. She has embedded me into the framework of what makes her world feel safe.

When a person with autism incorporates another person into their routines and rituals, they're demonstrating a profound form of connection. Your presence in their carefully constructed world is a meaningful expression of love.

Unexpected Moments of Physical Affection

Physical expressions of love from children with autism and PDA can appear in surprising ways. While they might resist hugs initiated by others due to sensory sensitivity or demand avoidance, they may offer physical affection in their own unique timing and style.

My daughter isn't a hugger, but she developed what we call "the dolphin move"—a quick dive-by where she briefly presses against my side before swimming away. These moments are rare and precious, appearing unexpectedly when she's feeling particularly safe or happy.

I've noticed that children with autism and PDA often show physical affection when they feel completely in control of the interaction. Their expressions may be brief, intense, or come at unexpected times, but they're all the more meaningful for being entirely on their terms.

Masking as an Act of Love

This is a difficult one to consider, but important to acknowledge. Sometimes, our children may temporarily "mask" or suppress their natural behaviors in certain contexts because they understand it matters to us. While we never want our children to feel they must hide who they are, recognizing when they're making this effort can help us understand the depth of their attachment.

My daughter makes tremendous efforts at family gatherings to engage in small talk and tolerate sensory challenges she would normally avoid. She does this not because it's comfortable, but because she knows it matters to me. These efforts come at a cost to her and represent a profound expression of love.

While we don't encourage masking in our household, as it leads to burnout, recognizing when a child is making accommodations for the sake of family connections can help us understand the depth of their desire for attachment. This understanding should lead us to create more accommodating environments, not to value the masking behavior itself.

Ways Your Child with Autism and PDA May Show Love Through Problem-Solving

Children with autism and PDA often have remarkable problem-solving abilities. When they apply these skills to addressing your needs or solving a problem for you, they're expressing love through action.

I'll never forget the day I was struggling with a computer issue, visibly frustrated. My daughter, who rarely interrupts her own activities, quietly appeared at my side, took the mouse, and methodically fixed the problem. She didn't say "I love you" or offer a hug—she offered her skills. That was her love language.

When your child notices your distress and addresses it through their unique skills, they're demonstrating both empathy and attachment. Problem-solving for others actually represents a sophisticated form of perspective-taking in children with autism.

Finding Comfort in Your Presence

For many children with autism and PDA, seeking comfort from a parent during distress is a powerful indicator of attachment. If your child comes to you when they're upset, even if they don't want physical touch or verbal reassurance, they're demonstrating that you represent safety.

My daughter has always retreated to her room during meltdowns, but I noticed a pattern: she positions herself where she can still see me in the doorway. She doesn't want intervention, but my presence itself is comforting. This is attachment in action.

The seeking of proximity during distress is one of the most fundamental indicators of secure attachment, regardless of how that proximity is expressed. Your child's desire to have you near during difficult moments speaks volumes about their connection to you.

The Gift of Vulnerability

Perhaps one of the most profound expressions of love is vulnerability. When your child with autism and PDA allows you to see them at their most unguarded, they're demonstrating deep trust.

For many of our children, emotional regulation is challenging. When they allow you to witness their full range of emotions—their struggles, their overwhelming joy, their deep frustrations—they're sharing their authentic selves with you. This vulnerability is the cornerstone of true intimacy.

My daughter is intensely private about her emotions, carefully controlling what the outside world sees. The fact that she allows me to witness her meltdowns, her stims when she's excited, and her unfiltered thoughts is not a lack of control—it's a gift of trust she gives to very few people.

Recognizing Love in the Details

Sometimes, love is expressed in the smallest details—noticing and remembering things that matter to you. Children with autism and PDA often have exceptional memory for details and patterns. When they apply this strength to your preferences, they're showing deep care.

My daughter remembers exactly how I take my coffee, which chair I prefer at the table, and which songs make me happy. She notices when I've had a haircut when others don't. These aren't random observations—they're evidence that I matter to her, that my preferences are important enough to catalog and honor.

This remarkable attention to detail is a genuine expression of care. When your child notices and accommodates your preferences, they're demonstrating that you occupy important space in their intricate mental landscape.

Reframing Love on Their Terms

Understanding the ways your child with autism and PDA expresses love requires us to expand our definition of what love looks like. It asks us to set aside our expectations and see connection through their eyes.

The journey isn't always easy. There will be days when you crave more traditional expressions of affection. But there is profound beauty in learning to recognize and cherish these unique expressions of love—moments of connection that are all the more precious for being offered entirely on your child's terms.

As you move forward, try to notice one new way your child shows connection each day. Celebrate these moments, document them, and remember them during challenging times. In doing so, you'll build a new language of love between you—one that honors both your need for connection and your child's authentic way of being in the world.

Next Steps

Parenting a child with autism and PDA is both challenging and rewarding. If you're looking for more practical strategies and insights, I've compiled extensive research and personal experience in my book, "A Practical Parent's Guide to PDA and Autism." This resource provides concrete approaches tailored specifically to parents and caregivers of children who experience both autism and PDA.

As a parent juggling therapy appointments, IEP meetings, and the daily challenges of raising a child with PDA, I know you barely have time to sit down, let alone read a book. That's exactly why I've made "A Practical Parent's Guide to PDA and Autism" available as an audiobook you can listen to during school drop-offs, while making dinner, or during those precious few minutes alone in the car. Transform your "lost time" into learning time by grabbing the audiobook here: US, UK, Australia, Canada, France, and Germany.

For more resources and support, visit our website at practicalparentsguide.com. There, you'll find articles, forums, and additional resources to help you navigate the unique challenges and joys of parenting a child with PDA and autism.

Your Turn

How does your child with autism and PDA uniquely express love? Have you noticed patterns or special ways they connect with you that others might miss? What was the moment you realized your child was showing love in their own way?

Share your experiences in the comments below—your insight might help another parent recognize the love that's been there all along.

References

1. Attwood, T. (2019). The complete guide to Asperger's syndrome. Jessica Kingsley Publishers.

2. Prizant, B. (2015). Uniquely human: A different way of seeing autism. Simon and Schuster.

3. Vermeulen, P. (2020). Autism as context blindness. AAPC Publishing.