PDA and a Strong Sense of Fairness and Justice

When Justice is Non-Negotiable: The Complex Reality of Fairness in Children with Autism and PDA

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Have you ever wondered why your child seems to have such an intense reaction when things don't seem fair? Maybe they refuse to participate in activities that seem arbitrary to them, or they become incredibly upset when rules aren't applied equally to everyone. If this sounds familiar, you might be seeing a common trait in children with Pathological Demand Avoidance/Persistent Drive for Autonomy (PDA) and autism.

As a parent of a daughter with PDA and autism, I've spent countless hours trying to understand why fairness and justice matter so deeply to her. It's not just about being "difficult" – it's about how her brain is wired to perceive the world. Today, I want to share what I've learned about this intense drive for justice and fairness, and how we can support our children while honoring their need for autonomy.

Why Fairness Matters So Much

When my daughter was younger, I couldn't understand why simple requests would sometimes result in complete meltdowns. "Please put on your shoes" might be fine one day but cause an enormous reaction the next. What I didn't realize then was that for children with PDA and autism, perceived unfairness or arbitrary demands can feel genuinely threatening.

Dr. Ross Greene, author of "The Explosive Child," explains that children do well when they can – and when they can't, there's usually a reason. For many children with PDA and autism, that reason often relates to their acute sense of justice and fairness.

Think about it: these children often live in a world that feels unpredictable and confusing. Rules that seem clear to us might appear inconsistent or arbitrary to them. When faced with what they perceive as unfair demands, their anxiety skyrockets, triggering what looks like defiance but is actually a protective response.

The Connection Between Justice and Autonomy

Children with Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA), or as many now prefer to call it, Persistent Drive for Autonomy, have an overwhelming need to be in control of their environment. This isn't stubbornness – it's a neurological need that helps them manage anxiety.

When rules or demands feel unfair or inconsistent, it directly challenges their sense of autonomy. Consider how you might feel if someone kept changing the rules of a game you were playing without explaining why. Frustrating, right? Now multiply that feeling by ten, and you'll begin to understand what our children experience.

One mom in our support group shared how her son refused to complete a school assignment because other students were allowed to do a different version. "It wasn't about avoiding work," she explained. "It was about the principle. Once his teacher explained the reasoning behind the different assignments, he was able to engage."

This intense focus on fairness can sometimes be so pronounced that it masks other aspects of autism. In fact, the autism hidden behind ADHD diagnoses is increasingly recognized as a common occurrence, especially in children who are verbal and academically capable but struggle with emotional regulation when faced with perceived injustice.

Recognizing Justice-Seeking Behaviors

How do you know if your child's strong reactions are related to their sense of justice and fairness? Here are some common patterns:

• They become extremely upset when rules are applied differently to different people

• They question authority figures who don't follow their own rules ("Why does the teacher get to use her phone when students can't?")

• They advocate strongly for others whom they perceive as being treated unfairly

• They struggle with flexibility when rules change without a clear explanation

• They become overwhelmed in situations where expectations seem arbitrary

My daughter once refused to participate in a school reward system because she felt it unfairly benefited students who were already doing well. While her teacher initially saw this as defiance, I recognized it as her strong sense of justice at work. She wasn't being difficult – she was standing up for what she believed was right.

Supporting Our Justice-Seeking Children

So how do we honor this intense drive for fairness while helping our children navigate a world that isn't always fair? Here are some approaches that have worked for our family:

1. Explain the "Why" Behind Rules and Requests

Children with PDA and autism often need to understand the reasoning behind demands. Instead of saying, "Because I said so," try explaining the purpose behind your request. This respects their need for information and autonomy.

When my daughter questions why she needs to do something, I've learned to take a breath and explain my reasoning. "We need to leave now because your appointment starts at 3:00, and it takes 20 minutes to drive there" works much better than "Because we're going to be late!"

2. Create Collaborative Solutions

Dr. Greene suggests using a "collaborative problem-solving" approach where you identify your child's concerns, share your own, and work together on solutions. This honors their need for fairness while teaching valuable negotiation skills.

For example, when my daughter resisted doing homework, we sat down together to understand why. She explained that it felt unfair to have to do school work at home when she'd already spent all day at school. We compromised by creating a schedule that included breaks and choosing which subjects to tackle first.

3. Acknowledge Their Perspective

Even when you can't change a situation, acknowledging that your child's feelings about fairness are valid can help. "I understand why that feels unfair to you" goes a long way toward defusing tension.

4. Create Predictability

Children with PDA and autism thrive on predictability. Clear expectations, visual schedules, and advance warning about changes can help reduce the anxiety that fuels demand avoidance.

We use a weekly calendar at home that shows exactly what's happening each day. When plans need to change, we explain why and give as much notice as possible.

5. Model Fairness and Acknowledge Unfairness

Be honest when things aren't fair. Rather than pretending the world is always just, help your child understand that while we strive for fairness, sometimes things don't work out that way – and that's something we can work to change together.

When Justice-Seeking Becomes Overwhelming

Sometimes, this drive for justice can become overwhelming for our children. A friend's son became so focused on environmental justice that he developed anxiety about using any plastic products. Another child I know became unable to attend school after witnessing, what he perceived as bullying of another child, and didn't feel school administration adequately addressed it.

In these situations, professional support can be invaluable. Therapists who understand PDA and autism can help children develop tools to manage their emotional responses while still honoring their values.

Remember that this intense sense of justice isn't just a challenge – it's also a strength. Many of history's greatest advocates for positive change were driven by this same powerful sense of fairness.

Finding Balance

The key is helping our children find balance – standing up for what's right while developing the flexibility to function in an imperfect world. This might mean:

• Teaching them effective ways to advocate for change

• Helping them identify which battles are worth fighting

• Developing coping strategies for situations that trigger their sense of injustice

• Connecting them with like-minded peers who share their values

For my daughter, her kindergarten teacher created a "classroom helper" role that provided a positive outlet for her justice-seeking tendencies. She could channel her energy into making sure everyone had equal turns with toys and that snacks were distributed fairly. This small responsibility gave her a constructive way to express her natural drive for fairness.

The Parents' Journey to Support Children with PDA and A Strong Sense of Fairness and Justice

As parents, our own journey matters too. Raising a child with such an acute sense of justice can be exhausting. We may find ourselves explaining decisions we never thought needed explanation or defending school policies we don't even agree with.

Give yourself grace on this journey. Find supportive communities where you can share your experiences with others who understand. Remember that by supporting your child's need for fairness and autonomy now, you're helping them develop into adults who will stand up for what's right.

Next Steps

If you're parenting a child with a strong sense of justice and fairness, and you suspect PDA and autism might be part of their profile, consider these next steps:

1. Learn more about Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA)/Persistent Drive for Autonomy through reliable sources

2. Connect with other parents who understand these challenges

3. Consider whether a professional evaluation might provide helpful insights

4. Explore collaborative problem-solving approaches

For a deeper understanding of PDA and autism, including practical strategies for supporting children with these profiles, check out our book, "A Practical Parent's Guide to PDA and Autism." We've distilled years of research and personal experience into accessible, actionable guidance for families.

As a parent juggling therapy appointments, IEP meetings, and the daily challenges of raising a child with PDA, I know you barely have time to sit down, let alone read a book. That's exactly why I've made "A Practical Parent's Guide to PDA and Autism" available as an audiobook you can listen to during school drop-offs, while making dinner, or during those precious few minutes alone in the car. Transform your "lost time" into learning time by grabbing the audiobook here: US, UK, Australia, Canada, France, and Germany.

For more resources and support, visit our website at practicalparentsguide.com. There, you'll find articles, forums, and additional resources to help you navigate the unique challenges and joys of parenting a child with PDA and autism.

Your Turn

I'd love to hear about your experiences with justice-seeking children.

How have you supported your child's strong sense of fairness while helping them navigate our sometimes unfair world? Have you found particular strategies that help when your child is overwhelmed by perceived injustice? Share your thoughts in the comments below.

Remember, in supporting our children's deep sense of justice, we're not just helping them cope today – we're nurturing the advocates and changemakers of tomorrow.

References

1. Greene, R. W. (2021). The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children. Harper.

2. Christie, P., et al. (2012). Understanding Pathological Demand Avoidance Syndrome in Children. Jessica Kingsley Publishers.

3. O'Nions, E., et al. (2018). Pathological demand avoidance: Exploring the behavioural profile. Autism, 22(5), 562-569.

4. Milton, D. (2019). A critique of the use of 'pathological demand avoidance' as a term. Good Autism Practice, 20(2), 121-134.