Obsession with People and PDA: Understanding Social Attachments in Pathological Demand Avoidance

Navigating Intense Social Attachments in Children With PDA

*Image Courtsey of halayalex on Freepik.com

Hey there, fellow PDA parent! Can we talk about something that's been on my mind lately? You know that moment when your kiddo becomes absolutely captivated by someone in their life? Maybe it's their teacher, a neighbor, or even a relative they don't see that often. Suddenly, it's ALL they talk about. "Ms. Johnson did this" and "Can we visit Aunt Sarah again?" on constant repeat. And heaven forbid that person isn't available when your child wants them – cue the meltdown of epic proportions!

If you're nodding along, thinking "YES, this is my life!" – you're not alone. This intense attachment or "obsession" with specific people is something many of us parenting PDA kiddos know all too well. In our house, we've seen it play out with teachers, coaches, and even the teenager who bagged our groceries once (yes, ONCE) and was especially kind to my son.

I want to have a heart-to-heart with you today about this fascinating aspect of PDA. No clinical jargon or distant expert advice – just one PDA parent to another, sharing what I've learned through tears, triumphs, and many late-night internet searches trying to understand what's happening in my child's beautiful, complex mind.

Understanding Person-Focused Obsessions in PDA

So what's actually happening here? Our PDA kiddos experience the world in technicolor while everyone else seems to be in black and white. Their anxiety levels are through the roof, and their need for control is like oxygen – absolutely essential. When they find someone who makes them feel safe and understood, they don't just like that person – they become completely enthralled by them.

We're not talking about typical childhood crushes or hero worship here. These are all-consuming connections that dominate their thoughts, conversations, and emotional landscape. My daughter's therapist explained it to me this way: while many autistic children might fixate on trains or dinosaurs, our PDA kiddos often fixate on people.

Dr. Elizabeth Newson (who first put a name to what we're all experiencing with PDA back in the 1980s) noticed this pattern too.

Our kids develop these intense people-focused attachments that look like:

• Constant talk about the person

• Wanting to spend all their time with that person

• Collecting items related to the person

• Becoming extremely distressed when separated from them

• Mimicking their mannerisms, speech patterns, or interests

• Seeking excessive reassurance about the relationship

In our house, it started when my daughter was in kindergarten. She came home after the first week absolutely OBSESSED with Ms. Johnson. Every sentence began with "Ms. Johnson says..." She started wearing her hair in a bun because that's how Ms. Johnson wore hers. She begged for the same kind of glasses Ms. Johnson had – even though her vision was perfect! Weekends became this bizarre emotional roller coaster because Saturday morning would hit and she'd realize she couldn't see Ms. Johnson for TWO WHOLE DAYS. Cue the tears, the bargaining ("Can we just drive by the school?"), and the despair.

At first, I thought it was adorable. What teacher wouldn't want such an adoring student? But when she refused to wear clothes that "Ms. Johnson wouldn't like" and had a complete meltdown because we couldn't invite her teacher to Sunday dinner, I realized we were dealing with something much bigger than a cute teacher crush.

Why Do These Obsessions Happen?

Understanding the "why" behind these intense attachments can help us respond with compassion rather than confusion or frustration.

First, we should recognize that for many PDA children, social interaction is both deeply desired and incredibly challenging. The rules of social engagement can feel mysterious and overwhelming. When they find someone who makes them feel safe, understood, and accepted, that person becomes a precious lifeline to the social world—a translator of sorts for the complex language of human interaction.

Second, in a world that often feels unpredictable and anxiety-provoking, these key people represent safety and security. The PDA child may latch onto this person as a way of managing their anxiety. If this person accepts them fully, understands their needs, and doesn't place excessive demands on them, the relationship becomes a safe harbor in a stormy sea.

Third, for many children with PDA, these focused relationships offer a sense of control in a world that often feels chaotic. By centering their attention on one person, they can create a more manageable social universe with clearer boundaries and expectations.

My friend Sarah (another PDA mom in my support group) tells a similar story about her son Max. After just ONE weekend with his 16-year-old cousin Jake, Max was completely hooked. He started wearing his hair gelled up like Jake's, begged for the same brand of sneakers, and even started using Jake's catchphrases.

"I thought it was just a phase," Sarah told me over coffee, looking exhausted. "But three months later, he was still asking about Jake every single day – literally the moment he woke up. 'When is Jake coming? Can we FaceTime Jake? Did you text Jake's mom?' It was relentless. And when Jake couldn't talk or visit? Complete emotional breakdown. I'm talking hours of sobbing that no amount of comfort or distraction could touch. That's when I knew this wasn't just normal cousin admiration."

When Attachments Become Challenging

While these intense attachments can provide security and joy for children with PDA, they can also create challenges for everyone involved. Some common difficulties include:

For the child:

• Emotional distress when separated from the person

• Difficulty maintaining broader social connections

• Vulnerability if the relationship changes or ends

• Challenges transitioning between home and school when the attachment figure is in one environment

For the attachment figure:

• Feeling pressured by the intensity of the attachment

• Struggling to maintain appropriate boundaries

• Worry about how the child will cope with inevitable separations

For parents and family:

• Managing emotional fallout when the child can't be with their person of interest

• Feeling jealous or hurt if they're not the chosen attachment figure

• Navigating relationships with teachers, family friends, or others who become the focus

In our home, these obsessions have led to some of our toughest parenting moments. I'll never forget the night my daughter sobbed for three hours straight because her "favorite person" (at that time, her swim coach) had canceled the next day's lesson due to illness. No amount of "But honey, Coach Julie is sick and needs to rest" made any difference. Logic? Completely useless. Distraction? Forget about it. It was like watching my child grieve a profound loss, all because she wouldn't see Coach Julie for an extra day.

These moments leave you feeling completely helpless as a parent. Nothing in those baby books prepares you for holding your inconsolable child while they're experiencing an emotional tsunami over someone who isn't even a family member!

Supportive Strategies for Parents

If your child shows these intense attachments, here are some approaches that might help:

1. Validate their feelings

Acknowledge the importance of this relationship to your child without judgment. Statements like, "I can see how much Ms. Johnson means to you" or "I understand you're feeling sad because you miss Kevin" help your child feel understood rather than criticized for their attachment.

2. Create connection bridges

Find ways to help your child feel connected to their person of interest even when they're apart. This might be a photo, a recorded message, a special item that reminds them of the person, or scheduled video calls.

3. Gradually expand their social circle

Without pressuring your child, gently create opportunities for them to form connections with other people who share similar qualities to their attachment figure. This helps build resilience and prevents all their social eggs from being in one basket.

4. Prepare for transitions

Use visual schedules, social stories, or other supports to help your child anticipate when they'll see their person of interest and when they'll be apart. Predictability can significantly reduce anxiety.

5. The Importance of Self-Advocacy

As children with PDA grow older, teaching them to recognize and express their own needs becomes crucial. Self-advocacy skills help them communicate their feelings around these intense attachments in healthier ways. Rather than becoming dysregulated when separated from their person of interest, they can learn to say, "I'm feeling anxious because I miss Ms. Johnson. Could I look at her picture or send her a message?"

Teaching self-advocacy isn't just about managing these specific attachments—it's about empowering your child to navigate a world that isn't always designed for their neurotype. By helping them find their voice, you're giving them tools that will serve them throughout life.

My friend Emily (another warrior mom in the autism and PDA trenches) told me something that gave me hope. Her daughter Zoe, now 12, has made incredible progress with this challenge. "It didn't happen overnight," Emily confessed during our kids' playdate. "But we've been working with Zoe's therapist on recognizing her own attachment patterns.

The other day, she actually came to me and said, 'Mom, I think I'm getting too focused on Ms. Brianna again. I've thought about her fifteen times today already.' I almost fell over! The fact that she could notice it happening and name it? That's huge! Now instead of it building up into this overwhelming obsession that ends in meltdowns, we can talk about it. She's learning to enjoy her dance classes without Ms. Brianna consuming her every thought."

Hearing this gave me such hope. Maybe with the right support, our kids can develop this kind of self-awareness too.

Communicating with the Attachment Figure

When your child develops an intense attachment to someone, whether it's a teacher, coach, family friend, or relative, open communication can be tremendously helpful.

Consider:

• Having a private, respectful conversation explaining PDA and your child's attachment style

• Providing some simple strategies for the person if they feel overwhelmed

• Ensuring they understand this is not their "fault" or something they're encouraging

• Discussing boundaries that work for everyone

  
  

Many teachers, coaches, and others in these roles are genuinely touched by the special connection and want to be supportive once they understand what's happening. After one particularly rough week of my daughter being completely obsessed with her swimming instructor, I finally worked up the courage to have "the talk" with Coach Amber. I was so nervous – would she think my child was weird? Would she be uncomfortable? But honestly, it was one of the best parenting moves I've made.

Coach Amber was not only understanding but immediately brainstormed ways to help. She created this special high-five ritual they would do at the beginning and end of each lesson. It gave my daughter the connection she craved but in a predictable, boundaried way. The consistency of this little ritual reduced my daughter's anxiety about the relationship AND gave her something concrete to look forward to rather than spinning endless fantasies about Coach Amber between lessons.

Sometimes, I think we underestimate how understanding people can be if we just open up about what our kids are experiencing.

When Attachments End or Change for Children With Pathological Demand Avoidance

One of the most challenging aspects of these intense attachments is dealing with inevitable changes or endings. Whether it's a teacher changing classes, a coach moving away, or simply a natural shift in the relationship, these transitions can be deeply painful for children with PDA.

Preparation is key. Whenever possible:

• Give advance notice about upcoming changes

• Create meaningful closure through special activities or keepsakes

• Maintain some form of connection if appropriate (occasional emails, updates, etc.)

• Acknowledge and validate the grief your child may experience

• Move at their pace through the transition

We had a MAJOR attachment crisis when my daughter's beloved babysitter Ashley announced she was moving to Colorado for graduate school. Ashley had been with us for two years and had somehow cracked the code to connecting with my daughter in a way few others could. The news hit like a bomb – I'm talking weeks of anticipatory grief that included nightmares, refusing to engage with Ashley during her final visits (classic PDA push-pull behavior), and my daughter declaring she would "never, ever love anyone ever again."

I panicked, thinking we'd lose all the progress we'd made. But then I got smart and involved my daughter in planning the transition. Together with Ashley, they created this gorgeous photo book of their favorite memories. We set up a schedule of weekly video calls that would gradually taper to monthly, then occasional check-ins.

Was it still hard? Absolutely. There were tears and regression and tough moments. But having that concrete plan – being able to say "Yes, you'll see Ashley on Saturday at 4 for your video call" – gave my daughter something to hold onto. It wasn't perfect, but it prevented the total emotional catastrophe I had feared.

The Gift Within the Challenge

While these intense attachments can create challenges, they also reveal something beautiful about children with PDA—their capacity for deep connection and loyalty. These children love with their whole hearts. They notice details about their people that others miss. They find joy in relationships that many of us might take for granted.

As parents, if we can shift our perspective to see these attachments not just as "obsessions" to be managed but as expressions of our child's unique way of connecting with others, we open ourselves to appreciating the depth and authenticity they bring to relationships.

Dr. Ruth Anan, clinical psychologist specializing in developmental differences, notes: "What we sometimes pathologize as 'obsessive' attachments in neurodivergent children can actually represent a beautiful intensity of human connection—they're experiencing relationships with a depth and focus that is both challenging and remarkable."

Building on Natural Strengths

Rather than trying to eliminate these intense attachments, we can work with them as natural strengths while helping our children develop balance. Their ability to notice details about others, their loyalty, and their deep appreciation for meaningful connections are qualities that can serve them well throughout life.

Consider:

• Acknowledging their perceptiveness about their attachment figures

• Highlighting how their loyalty makes them a wonderful friend

• Celebrating their capacity for joy in relationships

• Helping them channel their focused interests into appropriate expressions of care

  
  

One parent shared how her son's intense attachment to his grandfather evolved into a family history project, with the boy interviewing his grandfather and creating a beautiful documented history that became a treasured family possession. What began as an "obsession" transformed into a meaningful connection that honored his natural talents and interests.

Final Thoughts

Navigating intense attachments to people is just one aspect of the complex and fascinating journey of raising a child with PDA. Like so many aspects of neurodivergent parenting, it invites us to question our assumptions, stretch our understanding, and find new pathways forward that honor our children's authentic selves while helping them thrive in the world.

If your child forms these intense attachments, remember you're not alone. Many families in the PDA community share similar experiences. By approaching these attachments with understanding rather than alarm, creating supportive strategies, and celebrating the capacity for connection they represent, you can help your child navigate them more successfully.

My book, A Practical Parent's Guide to PDA and Autism, isn’t just another clinical, jargon-filled parenting manual that leaves you feeling overwhelmed. I wrote it as a parent who has lived this reality—the meltdowns, the school struggles, the obsessions with people, the whole beautiful mess of it.

When I wrote this guide, I poured everything I've learned through years of parenting my own PDA child into its pages. Every strategy, every insight comes from real-life experience – not just theory. I highlighted the sections on managing intense attachments to people because I know firsthand how challenging these obsessions can be for the entire family. The approaches I share have been battle-tested in our own home and refined through conversations with countless other PDA families.

If you're nodding along to anything I've shared today, please do yourself and your child a favor – visit our website at www.practicalparentsguide.com and get your copy of "A Practical Parent's Guide to PDA and Autism" today. As someone who's walked this exact path, I created this resource specifically for parents like us who need practical, compassionate guidance that actually works in real PDA family life. On our website, you'll also find a free resource section with printable visual supports specifically designed for helping children navigate these intense attachments. The feedback I've received from parents using these strategies has been overwhelming – you are NOT alone in this journey, and these approaches can help your family thrive.

Remember, fellow PDA parent, the very intensity that makes these attachments so challenging is also evidence of your child's remarkable capacity for connection and love. Their hearts are so big, their feelings so deep. Yes, it makes our parenting journey more complex, but it also makes it extraordinarily meaningful. Your child's different way of experiencing relationships and obsessions with people isn't wrong – it's just different. And with the right support and understanding (which you'll find in my book and our community), those differences can become strengths.

Sending you strength and solidarity from one PDA parent to another!

Next Steps

Parenting a child with autism and PDA is both challenging and rewarding. If you're looking for more practical strategies and insights, I've compiled extensive research and personal experience in my book, "A Practical Parent's Guide to PDA and Autism."  This resource provides concrete approaches tailored specifically to parents and caregivers of children who experience both autism and PDA.

As a parent juggling therapy appointments, IEP meetings, and the daily challenges of raising a child with PDA, I know you barely have time to sit down, let alone read a book. That's exactly why I've made "A Practical Parent's Guide to PDA and Autism" available as an audiobook you can listen to during school drop-offs, while making dinner, or during those precious few minutes alone in the car. Transform your "lost time" into learning time by grabbing the audiobook here: US, UK, Australia, Canada, France, and Germany.

For more resources and support, visit our website at practicalparentsguide.com. There, you'll find articles, forums, and additional resources to help you navigate the unique challenges and joys of parenting a child with PDA and autism.

Your Turn

I’d love to hear from you—has your child formed an intense attachment to someone? How have you navigated it? Share your experiences in the comments or connect with us on our website. You're not alone—we're here to help you and your child thrive.

References

1. Anan, R. (2022). Beyond Behaviors: Understanding Obsessive Attachments in Neurodivergent Children. Journal of Developmental Psychology, 15(3), 112-125.

2. Christie, P., Duncan, M., Fidler, R., & Healy, Z. (2012). Understanding Pathological Demand Avoidance Syndrome in Children: A Guide for Parents, Teachers and Other Professionals. Jessica Kingsley Publishers.

3. Green, J., Absoud, M., Grahame, V., Malik, O., Simonoff, E., Le Couteur, A., & Baird, G. (2018). Pathological Demand Avoidance: symptoms but not a syndrome. The Lancet Child & Adolescent Health, 2(6), 455-464.

4. Newson, E., Le Maréchal, K., & David, C. (2003). Pathological demand avoidance syndrome: a necessary distinction within the pervasive developmental disorders. Archives of Disease in Childhood, 88(7), 595-600.

5. O'Nions, E., Viding, E., Greven, C. U., Ronald, A., & Happé, F. (2014). Pathological demand avoidance: Exploring the behavioural profile. Autism, 18(5), 538-544.

6. O'Nions, E., Christie, P., Gould, J., Viding, E., & Happé, F. (2014). Development of the 'Extreme Demand Avoidance Questionnaire' (EDA-Q): preliminary observations on a trait measure for Pathological Demand Avoidance. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 55(7), 758-768.

7. Sanchez, P. (2018). Pathological Demand Avoidance - My Daughter is Not Naughty. Jessica Kingsley Publishers.

8. Stuart, L., Grahame, V., Honey, E., & Freeston, M. (2020). Intolerance of uncertainty and anxiety as explanatory frameworks for extreme demand avoidance in children and adolescents. Child and Adolescent Mental Health, 25(2), 59-67.

9. Woods, R. (2020). Demand avoidance phenomena: circularity, integrity and validity – a commentary on the 2018 National Autistic Society PDA Conference. Good Autism Practice, 21(2), 9-24.