When It All Becomes Too Much: Understanding Autistic Burnout and PDA

Recognizing and Recovering from Autistic Burnout in Children with PDA

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Have you ever noticed your child with autism or PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) suddenly seeming more overwhelmed than usual? Maybe skills they once had seem to disappear, or behaviors you thought were improving suddenly get worse? If this sounds familiar, your child might be experiencing burnout. As a parent of a neurodivergent child myself, I've been through this countless times with my own daughter. I know firsthand how confusing and scary this can be. Today, I want to talk about what burnout looks like in our kids, why it happens, and most importantly, how we can help them through it.

What Is Burnout in Children with Autism & PDA?

Burnout is like a battery running completely empty. For our neurodivergent kids, especially those with PDA or autism, their "batteries" can drain faster than other children's because they're constantly working harder just to get through everyday activities that neurotypical kids might find easy.

Dr. Kristie Patten Koenig, an occupational therapy professor at New York University, explains that autistic burnout happens "when the demands placed on an autistic person outweigh their resources." Think about it like this: our kids are often running multiple programs in their brains at once—processing sensory information, trying to understand social rules, managing anxiety, and masking their natural behaviors to fit in.

For children with PDA, this is even more complicated because their anxiety around demands can be so intense. According to Dr. Phil Christie, a specialist in PDA, these children experience "an ongoing resistance to ordinary life demands" that adds another layer of stress to their daily lives.

How to Recognize Burnout

As parents, we need to know what burnout looks like so we can help our children before it gets too severe. Here are some signs to watch for:

1. Loss of Skills

Has your child suddenly forgotten how to do things they could do before? Maybe they used to be able to tie their shoes or write their name, but now they struggle or refuse. This regression can be a key sign of burnout.

"When autistic individuals experience burnout, previously mastered skills may temporarily disappear as the brain redirects energy to core survival functions," explains Dr. Dora Raymaker, an autistic researcher who studies burnout.

2. Increased Meltdowns or Shutdowns

You might notice your child having more frequent or intense meltdowns. Or maybe instead of melting down, they shut down—becoming quiet, withdrawn, or seeming "zoned out."

For PDA children, this often shows up as an increase in demand avoidance behaviors. Things that they could previously tolerate might suddenly seem impossible.

3. Extreme Fatigue

Does your child seem unusually tired, even after a full night's sleep? Are they saying they're too tired for activities they usually enjoy? This physical and mental exhaustion is a hallmark of burnout.

4. Increased Sensory Sensitivity

Many parents notice their children become more sensitive to sensory input during burnout. Lights seem brighter, sounds louder, and textures more irritating. Your child might start covering their ears more often or refusing to wear certain clothes they previously tolerated.

5. Increased Anxiety

Watch for signs of heightened anxiety—worry, restlessness, trouble sleeping, or physical complaints like stomachaches. For children with PDA especially, anxiety can skyrocket during burnout periods.

Why Does Burnout Happen?

Understanding the causes of burnout can help us prevent it. Here are some common triggers:

1. Masking and Camouflaging

Many children with autism, especially those who are less obviously neurodivergent, spend enormous energy trying to appear "normal." This might involve suppressing stimming behaviors, forcing eye contact, or mimicking social behaviors they see in peers.

Dr. Laura Hull, who researches camouflaging in autism, notes that "the effort of camouflaging can lead to exhaustion, decreased self-perception, and mental health challenges."

For children with PDA, there's an additional layer of masking as they try to hide their anxiety around demands, often leading to what PDA expert Harry Thompson calls the "Jekyll and Hyde" presentation—where children seem fine at school but fall apart at home where it's safe.

2. Sensory Overload

Our kids' sensory systems work differently. What feels fine to us might be overwhelming to them. Constant exposure to challenging sensory environments—bright lights, loud sounds, uncomfortable clothing—can drain their energy reserves.

3. Big Changes or Transitions

Starting a new school year, moving houses, changing routines—these transitions require enormous energy from our neurodivergent kids. Even positive changes can trigger burnout if they require too much adaptation too quickly.

4. Increased Demands

As our children grow, expectations naturally increase at school and at home. Sometimes these rising expectations happen faster than our children can develop the skills to meet them.

5. Lack of Accommodations

When proper supports aren't in place, our children have to work much harder to accomplish the same tasks as their peers. Over time, this extra effort can lead to burnout.

How Burnout Looks Different in Children with PDA

Children with PDA experience anxiety around demands and expectations in a way that's different from classic autism. This different neurology means burnout can look different too.

In children with PDA, burnout often appears as:

• A dramatic increase in demand avoidance behaviors

• More creative or extreme strategies to avoid demands

• Increased need for control over their environment

• Greater difficulty with transitions or changes

• More pronounced mood swings

• Social withdrawal, even from preferred people or activities

  
  

PDA expert Jane Sherwin explains: "When children with PDA experience burnout, their tolerance for even indirect demands plummets. What might have been manageable before becomes completely overwhelming."

How Parents Can Help

The good news is that burnout is temporary and recoverable with the right support. Here are strategies that can help:

1. Reduce Demands

This is especially important for children with PDA. When you notice signs of burnout, it's time to pull back on expectations temporarily. This doesn't mean giving up important routines entirely, but rather:

• Focus only on essential demands (safety, basic health needs)

• Use more indirect language ("I wonder if..." instead of "You need to...")

• Offer more choices and control where possible

• Postpone new skills learning until recovery

• Consider reducing school demands temporarily if possible

  
  

2. Create Sensory Sanctuaries

Help your child create spaces where they can escape sensory overload:

• A quiet corner with comfortable seating, weighted blankets, or favorite textures

• Noise-canceling headphones or earbuds

• Sunglasses for light sensitivity

• Access to favorite stim toys or objects

• Time in nature, which can be calming for many children

3. Prioritize Rest and Recovery

Just like recovering from a physical illness, burnout requires rest:

• Ensure adequate sleep (many neurodivergent children need more sleep during burnout)

• Schedule regular downtime with no demands

• Cancel non-essential activities

• Allow more time for special interests, which can be restorative

• Consider a "sensory diet" designed by an occupational therapist

4. Validate Their Experience

One of the most healing things we can do as parents is simply acknowledge what our children are going through:

• "I can see this is really hard for you right now."

• "It makes sense that you're feeling overwhelmed."

• "It's okay to need a break when things get too much."

Dr. Ross Greene, author of "The Explosive Child," reminds us that "kids do well when they can"—so if they're not doing well, it's usually because they can't, not because they won't (Greene, 2021).

5. Collaborate on Solutions

Even young children can often tell us what would help them if we ask. Try questions like:

• "What would make things easier right now?"

• "Is there something in your day that's making you feel extra tired?"

• "What helps you feel calm when things get overwhelming?"

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For children with PDA, this collaborative approach is especially important, as it reduces the sense of being demanded upon and increases their sense of control.

A Real-Life Example from My Own Journey

Let me share a story from my own family's experience. When my daughter was 5 years old, she had been doing fairly well in her small, supportive school environment until about halfway through kindergarten. Then suddenly, I noticed:

• Homework battles became much worse

• Max started complaining of stomachaches every morning

• Skills like getting dressed independently seemed to disappear

• Meltdowns increased on school days

• He began refusing activities he previously enjoyed

At first, I worried my daughter was just being defiant or that she was struggling more with her PDA. But after talking with her therapist, I realized she was experiencing burnout. The cumulative stress of increased academic demands, a substitute teacher with a different teaching style, and trying to keep up socially had completely depleted her resources.

I took several steps that made a real difference:

1. I met with the school to temporarily reduce homework and provide more breaks

2. I created a "comfort corner" in her room with sensory tools (weighted blankets, fidgets, and her favorite books)

3. I scaled back after-school activities for a month

4. I used more PDA-friendly language at home and reduced demands

5. I built in 30 minutes of special interest time every day as "recovery time" (for her, it was all about drawing and art at that age!)

   
   

After about six weeks, my daughter began to bounce back. Her energy returned, skills re-emerged, and she could handle more demands again. This experience taught me to watch for early signs of burnout and be proactive about reducing pressure before a full collapse. It's a lesson I've applied countless times since then.

Prevention Is the Best Approach (A Lesson I Learned the Hard Way)

While we can't always prevent burnout completely, I've learned through years of parenting my PDA child that we can significantly reduce its frequency and severity. Here are the approaches that have made the biggest difference in our home:

1. Build in Regular Breaks

Don't wait for signs of burnout to offer breaks. Schedule regular downtime, especially after demanding activities like school or social events.

2. Watch for Early Warning Signs

Learn your child's unique early signs of overwhelm—maybe it's a certain phrase they use, a change in their stimming patterns, or increased irritability. When you spot these signs, immediately reduce demands.

3. Use Visual Supports

Many children with autism and PDA benefit from visual schedules or calendars that help them see what's coming. This reduces uncertainty and helps them prepare for demanding periods.

4. Create a Balanced Schedule

Ensure your child's week includes a mix of:

• Demanding activities (school, therapy, challenging learning)

• Moderately demanding activities (structured fun, familiar routines)

• Free choice/special interest time (minimal demands)

• Complete downtime (no demands at all)

  
  

5. Regular Check-ins

For verbal children, regular emotional check-ins can help catch overwhelm before it becomes burnout. Some families use simple scales ("How full is your bucket today?") or color codes to make this concrete.

The Role of Schools in Preventing Burnout

Schools are often where our children face the most demands. Here are some accommodations that can help prevent burnout:

• Movement breaks throughout the day

• Quiet spaces for sensory regulation

• Reduced homework during stressful periods

• Flexibility around non-essential tasks

• Understanding of PDA-specific needs around demands

• Recognition that apparent "behavior problems" may actually be signs of overload

Dr. Barry Prizant, author of "Uniquely Human," emphasizes that "behavior is communication." When schools understand that challenging behaviors often signal overwhelm rather than defiance, they can respond more supportive.

The Importance of Understanding Autistic Burnout

Recognizing and addressing burnout is crucial for our children's long-term well-being. Research shows that untreated autistic burnout can lead to mental health challenges and even longer-term skill loss.

For children with PDA, whose anxiety around demands is already high, chronic burnout can intensify their avoidance patterns and make intervention more challenging. By understanding and addressing burnout early, we can help our children build more sustainable patterns for managing their energy.

Learning from the Experience

Each episode of burnout can teach us something valuable about our child's needs. After your child recovers, take some time to reflect:

• What seemed to trigger this episode?

• What early warning signs did you notice?

• Which recovery strategies were most helpful?

• What preventive measures might help in the future?

Keep notes to help you identify patterns over time. This information is invaluable for helping your child develop self-awareness about their own needs and limits as they grow.

In Summary

If you think your child might be experiencing burnout, remember these key points that have helped us through numerous burnout cycles:

1. Reduce demands temporarily to allow recovery (I often tell my daughter's school we're in a "recovery period" and need accommodations)

2. Create sensory-friendly spaces for regulation (our "calm corner" at home has been a lifesaver)

3. Prioritize rest and special interest time (I've learned that special interests aren't just hobbies—they're healing)

4. Work collaboratively with your child to identify triggers (my daughter has become increasingly aware of her own limits)

5. Gradually rebuild capacity as your child recovers (patience here is key—I've rushed this step before and regretted it)

   
   

Next Steps

Parenting a child with autism and PDA is both challenging and rewarding. If you're looking for more practical strategies and insights, I've compiled extensive research and personal experience in my book, "A Practical Parent's Guide to PDA and Autism."  This resource provides concrete approaches tailored specifically to parents and caregivers of children who experience both autism and PDA.

As a parent juggling therapy appointments, IEP meetings, and the daily challenges of raising a child with PDA, I know you barely have time to sit down, let alone read a book. That's exactly why I've made "A Practical Parent's Guide to PDA and Autism" available as an audiobook you can listen to during school drop-offs, while making dinner, or during those precious few minutes alone in the car. Transform your "lost time" into learning time by grabbing the audiobook here: US, UK, Australia, Canada, France, and Germany.

I wrote this book because I needed it myself and couldn't find anything like it. It offers practical, parent-to-parent advice based on both research and my own real-life experience raising a child with PDA, with specific chapters dedicated to understanding and preventing burnout. The strategies I share have helped thousands of families reduce stress and build more harmonious relationships with their neurodivergent children. As parents walking this path, we need real solutions from someone who truly understands—not just theory, but practical approaches that work in everyday life with our wonderful, complex daughters and sons.

Your Turn

Have you noticed specific triggers that seem to lead to overload in your family? What recovery strategies have worked best for your child? How do you balance respecting your child's limits while still helping them grow and learn new skills?

Share your thoughts in the comments below—your experiences might be exactly what another parent needs to hear today. We're all in this together, and some of the best solutions I've found came from other parents who were willing to share their stories with me.

References

1. Christie, P. (2019). Pathological Demand Avoidance: A guide for parents and professionals. Jessica Kingsley Publishers.

2. Greene, R. (2021). The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children. Harper Paperbacks.

3. Hull, L., Levy, L., Lai, M. C., Petrides, K. V., Baron-Cohen, S., Allison, C., Smith, P., & Mandy, W. (2021). Is social camouflaging associated with anxiety and depression in autistic adults? Molecular Autism, 12(1), 1-13.

4. Koenig, K. P. (2020). Autism, Demand Avoidance, and Burnout: Understanding the connections. Sensory Integration Education.

5. Prizant, B. (2022). Uniquely Human: A Different Way of Seeing Autism. Simon & Schuster.

6. Raymaker, D. M., Teo, A. R., Steckler, N. A., Lentz, B., Scharer, M., Delos Santos, A., Kapp, S. K., Hunter, M., Joyce, A., & Nicolaidis, C. (2020). "Having All of Your Internal Resources Exhausted Beyond Measure and Being Left with No Clean-Up Crew": Defining Autistic Burnout. Autism in Adulthood, 2(2), 132-143.

7. Sherwin, J. (2022). Understanding Pathological Demand Avoidance in Children. Jessica Kingsley Publishers.

8. Thompson, H. (2019). The PDA Paradox: The Highs and Lows of My Life on a Little-Known Part of the Autism Spectrum. Jessica Kingsley Publishers.