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Understanding When a Child with Autism and PDA Elopes or Uses Fantasy

Supporting Children's Need for Autonomy While Keeping Them Safe


A young boy with autism and PDA is running away from his concerned mother in a park, his expression showing determination rather than defiance. He's reaching toward imaginary characters only he can see, illustrating how elopement and fantasy often intertwine as coping mechanisms for children with PDA who seek escape from overwhelming demands.
Image Courtesy of istockphoto.com

As a parent of a child with autism and PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance, also known from the more positive lens as Persistent Drive for Autonomy), I understand the daily challenges we face. Among these challenges, two behaviors that can be particularly concerning are elopement (wandering off) and retreating into fantasy worlds. Let's talk about what happens when a child with autism and PDA elopes or uses fantasy as coping mechanisms, and how we can support them while keeping them safe.


When a Child with Autism and PDA Elopes or Uses Fantasy


If you're reading this, chances are you've experienced that heart-stopping moment when you turn around and your child has disappeared. Or perhaps you've noticed your child spending hours lost in elaborate fantasy worlds, seemingly disconnected from reality. These behaviors, while concerning, are actually common among children with autism and PDA.


Elopement, also called wandering, is when a child leaves a safe environment without permission or notice. For children with autism and PDA, this isn't about being defiant—it's often a response to feeling overwhelmed or a way to escape demands they can't process.


Similarly, fantasy use isn't just daydreaming. It's an important coping mechanism that helps them manage the anxiety and stress that comes from navigating a world that often feels overwhelming and full of demands.


As parents, understanding these behaviors can help us respond with compassion rather than frustration. Let's dive deeper into why these behaviors occur and what we can do to help.


Why Children with Autism and PDA May Elope


When a child with autism and PDA elopes, they're not trying to scare us or be rebellious. Research shows that approximately half of children with autism will attempt to elope at least once in their lifetime, and those with PDA may be particularly vulnerable due to their strong drive for autonomy.


Some common reasons for elopement include:

  1. Sensory overload: When environments become too loud, bright, or otherwise overwhelming, a child might instinctively try to escape.

  2. Demand avoidance: For a child with PDA, even simple requests can trigger extreme anxiety. According to the Child Mind Institute, "Poor executive functioning can be another trigger for PDA, since it makes it hard for kids to grasp the schedule or structure in a social environment." Running away may be their way of avoiding what feels like unbearable pressure.

  3. Pursuit of interest: Sometimes children elope to get to something that attracts their attention, like water, a playground, or animals.

  4. Anxiety escape: Leaving a situation can be a way to escape anxious feelings when they don't have the tools to express or manage them.


My daughter once bolted from a birthday party without warning. Later, when she was calm, she explained that the singing had become "too pointy in her ears" and she "had to get away." This wasn't misbehavior—it was her nervous system responding to overwhelming sensory input.


Fantasy as a Coping Mechanism


Fantasy use is another common coping strategy among children with autism and PDA. While all children engage in pretend play, for children with autism and PDA, fantasy can serve as a critical refuge from a demanding world. Recent research indicates that individuals with autism often resort to fantasy to escape feelings of loneliness and to help with emotional regulation challenges.


When a child with autism and PDA uses fantasy, they might:

  1. Create elaborate, consistent imaginary worlds where they have control and autonomy.

  2. Take on different personas or characters to help navigate social situations.

  3. Use fantasy as a buffer between themselves and demands they find overwhelming.

  4. Process and make sense of confusing social interactions through imaginative scenarios.


Fantasy can be adaptive and healing, offering children a way to practice social scenarios and process emotions in a safe environment. According to Psychology Fanatic, fantasy "serves as a coping mechanism and provides a refuge from the challenges and stresses of everyday life." However, when it begins to replace real-world interaction entirely, it may need thoughtful attention.


I've noticed that when demands increase at school, my daughter spends more time as her alter ego, "Sarah Beara Lemonbarra." Through this character, she can face challenges that would otherwise trigger demand avoidance. Rather than trying to eliminate this coping mechanism, I've learned to respect it as her way of building resilience.


Supporting Safety When Elopement Is a Concern


If your child with autism and PDA elopes, safety becomes the top priority. Here are some strategies that have helped our family:


  1. Secure your home: Install door alarms, high locks, and visual stop signs. As Children's National recommends, "Adding simple visuals, like a stop sign on the door, can help. Have your child practice stopping and holding an adult's hand every time you leave the house." Consider GPS tracking devices for added security.

  2. Create a family safety plan: Make sure everyone knows what to do if your child wanders, including which nearby water sources to check first. The National Autism Association reports that "accidental drowning accounts for 71% of lethal outcomes" related to wandering, making water safety a critical priority.

  3. Work with your community: Inform neighbors, school staff, and local first responders about your child's tendency to wander. Consider joining programs like Project Lifesaver if available in your area.

  4. Identify triggers: Keep a log of elopement incidents to identify patterns. Is it more likely to happen in certain environments, times of day, or following specific types of demands?

  5. Teach safety skills: Work with therapists to develop skills like responding to name, understanding stop commands, and knowing how to identify safe people if lost.


Remember that prevention is always better than reaction. By understanding the triggers that lead to elopement, we can often reduce its occurrence while still respecting our children's need for autonomy.


Honoring Fantasy While Building Reality Skills


When a child with autism and PDA uses fantasy as a coping mechanism, our approach should balance respect for this coping strategy with gentle encouragement toward real-world engagement:


  1. Join their world: Show interest in their fantasy world without judgment. Use it as a bridge to connection rather than trying to pull them away from it.

  2. Use fantasy as a teaching tool: Incorporate their special interests and fantasy characters into learning activities.

  3. Create "fantasy-friendly" transitions: Allow characters or objects from their fantasy world to accompany them during challenging activities.

  4. Set gentle boundaries: If fantasy becomes so consuming that it interferes with necessary daily activities, work with therapists to establish healthy limits.

  5. Look for the message: Fantasy often communicates needs that children struggle to express directly. Listen for what they might be telling you through their imaginary worlds.


In our home, we've established "reality hours" and "fantasy hours," giving my daughter clear expectations about when she needs to engage with the real world while still honoring her need for fantasy time.


The Connection Between Elopement and Fantasy


Interestingly, there's often a connection between elopement and fantasy use in children with autism and PDA. Both serve as escape mechanisms from overwhelming demands—one physical and one mental.


A child who is prevented from using fantasy as a coping mechanism might be more likely to resort to physical escape through elopement. Similarly, a child whose movement is restricted might develop more elaborate fantasy worlds as an alternative escape.


By understanding both behaviors as different expressions of the same underlying need for autonomy and relief from demands, we can develop more compassionate and effective support strategies.


Working with Professionals Who Understand PDA


Finding professionals who understand PDA can make a significant difference in addressing both elopement and fantasy use. Traditional behavioral approaches that rely heavily on rewards and consequences often backfire with children who have PDA, potentially increasing both behaviors. As observed by experts at the PDA Society, finding ways to make demands feel less "demandy" is essential when working with children who have PDA.

Instead, look for professionals who:


  1. Understand PDA as both Pathological Demand Avoidance and Persistent Drive for Autonomy

  2. Employ collaborative, anxiety-reducing approaches

  3. Focus on building intrinsic motivation rather than external compliance

  4. Recognize the importance of autonomy and control

  5. Are willing to be flexible and creative in their approaches


Working with our daughter's school, we've developed an "autonomy passport" that allows her to take movement breaks before elopement becomes necessary and includes "fantasy processing time" after challenging activities.


Talking to Family and Friends


One of the hardest parts of parenting a child with autism and PDA who elopes or uses fantasy is helping others understand these behaviors. Family members and friends may misinterpret elopement as defiance or fantasy use as simply "not paying attention."

Clear, compassionate communication can help:


"My child isn't being disobedient when they wander off. Their brain processes information differently, and sometimes they feel an overwhelming need to escape situations that feel too demanding or sensory-heavy."


"When my child retreats into fantasy, they're using an important coping skill to manage anxiety. Rather than pulling them out abruptly, we can respect this need while gently helping them engage with the real world."


By educating those around us, we create a more supportive environment for our children and reduce the judgment that often comes with these misunderstood behaviors.


Finding Balance and Hope


Parenting a child with autism and PDA who elopes or uses fantasy requires a delicate balance. We must prioritize physical safety while respecting psychological needs. We need to encourage real-world engagement while honoring the important role fantasy plays in coping.

It's not easy, and there will be challenging days. But there's also hope and beauty in understanding our children's unique ways of navigating the world.


By approaching these behaviors with compassion and curiosity rather than frustration, we open doors to deeper connection. By seeking to understand the "why" behind elopement and fantasy, we become better equipped to support our children's journey toward security and self-regulation.


Next Steps


If you're navigating these challenges, remember you're not alone. Here are some important next steps:


  1. Prioritize safety: Implement home security measures and create an elopement emergency plan.

  2. Seek professional support: Find therapists and educators who understand PDA and can provide appropriate support.

  3. Connect with community: Join support groups for parents of children with PDA to share experiences and strategies.

  4. Build your knowledge: Continue learning about PDA and how it affects your child's experience of the world.

  5. Take care of yourself: Parenting a child with complex needs is demanding. Your well-being matters too.


For a deeper dive into understanding and supporting children with autism and PDA, I highly recommend checking out our website at practicalparentsguide.com and considering our book, "A Practical Parent's Guide to PDA and Autism."


As busy parents ourselves, we understand the challenge of finding time to read, which is why our book is also available as an audiobook. You can access it on Audible US, Audible UK, Audible Australia, Audible Canada, Audible France, or Audible Germany and listen during commutes, while making dinner, or in those rare quiet moments. We know how precious your time is as a parent juggling therapies, appointments, and the daily challenges of raising a child with unique needs. The audiobook format lets you absorb essential strategies and insights even during your busiest days when you simply don't have time to sit down with a book.


Remember, understanding when a child with autism and PDA elopes or uses fantasy isn't about eliminating these behaviors entirely, but about supporting our children in finding safer, more adaptive ways to meet their underlying needs for autonomy, security, and self-regulation.


Your Turn


I'd love to hear from you in the comments:


  • What strategies have helped keep your child with autism and PDA safe when elopement is a concern?

  • How do you balance respecting your child's need for fantasy while encouraging real-world engagement?


Let's continue learning from each other in this journey of supporting our remarkable children.


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