Understanding Stimming in Public for Children with PDA and Autism

Navigating Stimming in Public: Supporting Children with PDA and Autism

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Have you ever been at the grocery store when your child starts flapping their hands or rocking back and forth? Maybe they're humming loudly or spinning in circles while waiting in line. If you're nodding your head right now, you're not alone. As a parent of a child with PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) and autism, I've been there more times than I can count with my daughter.

Those repetitive movements and sounds are called "stimming," and they're an important part of how many children with autism and PDA experience and regulate their world. But navigating stimming in public spaces can feel overwhelming when you're worried about stares, comments, or meltdowns.

Today, let's talk openly about stimming, why it happens, and how we can support our amazing kids while managing the sometimes tricky public situations that come up.

What Exactly Is Stimming?

Stimming—short for self-stimulatory behavior—refers to repetitive movements or sounds that help people regulate their sensory input, express emotions, or just feel good. While everyone stims sometimes (think about how you might tap your pen during a meeting or twirl your hair when thinking), for children with autism and PDA, stimming often serves crucial purposes.

My daughter's favorite stim is to rapidly open and close her hands and wiggle her toes with her mouth half open . The first time I realized this was actually helping her, not just "odd behavior" as some might see it, was during a particularly busy day at the mall. The noise and crowds were becoming overwhelming, and her spinning actually helped her stay regulated enough to make it through our shopping trip. She also does this at home when she is playing legos or Barbies and is very excited.

Common types of stimming include:

• Hand flapping or finger flicking

• Rocking back and forth

• Spinning objects or self-spinning

• Making repetitive sounds or vocalizations

• Jumping or bouncing

• Visual stimming (like staring at lights or patterns)

• Tactile stimming (touching specific textures repeatedly)

Each child has their own unique stims that work for them. My friend's son loves to carry and squeeze a small stress ball, while another friend's child finds comfort in reciting movie dialogues. My adult cousin twirls a Sharpie pen in his hand constantly.

Why Do Children with PDA and Autism Stim?

Understanding the 'why' behind stimming has been one of the most helpful parts of my journey as a parent. Stimming isn't random or purposeless—it serves important functions:

Sensory Regulation

Our children often experience sensory input differently. Stimming helps them manage overwhelming sensations or seek additional sensory input when needed. When my daughter starts spinning in the grocery store, I've learned it's often because the fluorescent lights, constant beeping, and crowded aisles are overwhelming her senses.

Emotional Regulation

Stimming can help express or manage big feelings like excitement, anxiety, or frustration. It's like an emotional pressure valve that helps prevent meltdowns.

Focus and Concentration

Some children stim to help themselves concentrate. It's like how some of us might need to doodle during a phone call to stay focused.

Joy and Self-Expression

Not all stimming is about coping! Sometimes it's simply an expression of happiness or comfort. When my daughter is particularly excited about something, her happy flaps are the purest form of joy I've ever seen.

Coping with Uncertainty

For children with PDA and autism, unpredictable situations can be especially challenging. Stimming provides a sense of control and predictability in environments that feel chaotic.

The Reality of Stimming in Public

Let's be honest—stimming in public spaces can be complicated for everyone involved. As parents, we often find ourselves caught between supporting our child's needs and managing the social situation around us.

The first time my daughter had a stimming session in a crowded restaurant, I felt every eye in the place on us. My heart raced as she rocked and hummed, getting louder as she became more overwhelmed. I was torn between helping her, educating others, and honestly, just wanting to disappear.

What I've learned since then is that preparation, understanding, and a healthy dose of "who cares what others think" makes all the difference.

Supporting Your Child While Stimming in Public

Here's what has worked for our family:

Create a Safe Space

Sometimes, all our children need is to know they can stim freely without judgment. I make sure to validate my daughter's needs by saying things like, "I can see you need to move your body right now, and that's okay."

Offer Alternatives When Needed

There might be times when certain stims are impractical or potentially unsafe in public. Rather than stopping stimming altogether (which can lead to meltdowns), offer alternatives. When my daughter's spinning isn't possible in crowded spaces, we've found that squeezing a stress ball or doing gentle rocking can provide similar relief.

Prepare for Outings

Before heading out, I try to prepare both my daughter and myself:

• Bring comfort items or fidget toys that support less visible stimming

• Choose quieter times for shopping or outings when possible

• Plan breaks and quiet spaces where she can stim more freely

• Practice what to say to curious onlookers

Educate Others (When You Have the Energy)

Some days, I'm ready to be an autism ambassador. Other days, not so much—and both are fine! When I do have the bandwidth, a simple explanation can help: "My daughter moves her body this way to help herself stay calm in busy places. It's called stimming and it's how she processes the world."

Support Self-Advocacy

As our children grow, helping them understand and explain their own needs becomes increasingly important. My daughter is learning phrases like, "I need to move to help my body feel calm" when she needs to stim.

Balancing PDA Considerations

For children with both PDA and autism, there's an additional layer to consider. The demand-avoidant profile means that direct instructions about when or how to stim differently might trigger anxiety or resistance.

Instead of saying, "You need to stop flapping now," which feels like a demand, I've found more success with collaborative approaches:

• "I wonder if we could find a quieter spot where you can move however feels good?"

• "Would you like to use your fidget cube or keep flapping? Both are okay with me."

• "Let's come up with some special signals for when you need a sensory break."

This approach honors both their need to stim and their need for autonomy.

When Others Don't Understand

Despite our best efforts, we'll encounter people who don't understand stimming. Comments range from well-meaning ("Is she okay?") to insensitive ("Can't you control your child?").

After years of practice, I've developed a mental toolkit of responses:

For the curious

"She's processing the environment in her own way. It's actually helping her stay calm in this busy place."

For the concerned

"Thank you for your concern. This is how she regulates herself when things get overwhelming. She's actually doing great right now!"

For the critical

A simple "She's doing what her body needs right now" before redirecting my attention back to my child.

And sometimes, the best response is simply a confident smile as you continue supporting your child. You don't owe ANYONE an explanation.

The School Environment

Navigating stimming at school requires partnership with teachers and staff. When my daughter started first grade, I scheduled a meeting with her teacher to explain her stimming behaviors and their importance.

Together, we developed accommodations:

• A designated quiet corner where she could stim when needed

• Simple signals she could use to indicate feeling overwhelmed

• Educating classmates about differences in a positive, age-appropriate way

Many schools are becoming more understanding about stimming behaviors, but advocacy might still be necessary. Bringing resources from trusted sources or involving occupational therapists can help educate school staff.

Finding Your Village

One of the most healing moments in my journey was joining a parent support group where everyone just "got it." The first time I shared my public stimming story, heads nodded all around the circle. No judgment, just understanding.

Finding others who understand—whether online or in person—creates space where you don't have to explain or apologize for your child's needs. These connections can provide practical strategies and emotional support when things get tough.

The Gift of Acceptance

Perhaps the most powerful thing we can offer our children is the gift of acceptance. When we fully embrace their stimming as a valuable part of who they are, something magical happens. They begin to feel secure in their own skin, confident in their coping strategies, and understood in a world that sometimes feels overwhelming.

My parenting shifted dramatically when I stopped seeing stimming as something to manage and started seeing it as something to understand. The day I joined my daughter in her gentle rocking instead of trying to quiet her was the day I truly began to see the world through her eyes.

Next Steps

Parenting a child with autism and PDA is both challenging and rewarding. If you're looking for more practical strategies and insights, I've compiled extensive research and personal experience in my book, "A Practical Parent's Guide to PDA and Autism."  This resource provides concrete approaches tailored specifically to parents and caregivers of children who experience both autism and PDA.

As a parent juggling therapy appointments, IEP meetings, and the daily challenges of raising a child with PDA, I know you barely have time to sit down, let alone read a book. That's exactly why I've made "A Practical Parent's Guide to PDA and Autism" available as an audiobook you can listen to during school drop-offs, while making dinner, or during those precious few minutes alone in the car. Transform your "lost time" into learning time by grabbing the audiobook here: US, UK, Australia, Canada, France, and Germany.

I wrote this book because I needed it myself and couldn't find anything like it. It offers practical, parent-to-parent advice based on both research and my own real-life experience raising a child with PDA, with specific chapters dedicated to understanding and preventing burnout. The strategies I share have helped thousands of families reduce stress and build more harmonious relationships with their neurodivergent children. As parents walking this path, we need real solutions from someone who truly understands—not just theory, but practical approaches that work in everyday life with our wonderful, complex children.

Your Turn

Have you found creative ways to support your child's stimming in public? What responses have you found most effective when others don't understand? I'd love to hear your experiences in the comments below.

References

1. American Psychiatric Association. (2022). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed., text rev.).

2. Bascom, J. (2021). Loud hands: Autistic people, speaking. Autonomous Press.

3. Garside, S., & O'Nions, E. (2023). Understanding pathological demand avoidance in the context of autism spectrum disorders. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 58(2), 123-135.

4. Kapp, S. K. (Ed.). (2020). Autistic community and the neurodiversity movement: Stories from the frontline. Springer Nature.

5. Newson, E., Le Maréchal, K., & David, C. (2022). Pathological demand avoidance syndrome: A necessary distinction within the pervasive developmental disorders. Archives of Disease in Childhood, 88(7), 595-600.

6. Wong, C., Odom, S. L., & Hume, K. A. (2023). Evidence-based practices for children, youth, and young adults with autism spectrum disorder: A comprehensive review. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 45(7), 1951-1966.