The Social Stigma of Autism vs. ADHD: What Parents Need to Know

Navigating the Social Stigma of Autism and Why It Differs from ADHD

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Last week at a parent coffee meetup, I witnessed a scene that perfectly captures what many of us experience. Two moms were sharing stories about their children's recent diagnoses. The first mom mentioned her son's ADHD, and the responses were surprisingly positive: "Oh, my nephew has that too—he's so creative!" and "I've heard dietary changes can really help with that."

Then, the second mom quietly shared that her daughter was recently diagnosed with autism. The room went silent. Some parents offered awkward smiles, while others quickly changed the subject.

This moment crystallized something I've noticed throughout my journey with my own daughter: society tends to view ADHD as more "acceptable" than autism or PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance). This difference in perception creates unique challenges for our families that we rarely discuss openly.

Today, I want to talk about this uncomfortable truth—how ADHD has become increasingly "normalized" while autism and particularly PDA continue to carry heavier social stigma—and share practical strategies I've learned to help our children thrive despite these unfair perceptions.

The Acceptance Gap: ADHD vs. Autism

When my daughter was diagnosed with autism, I quickly discovered how differently the world responds to various neurodevelopmental conditions. ADHD has, in many ways, become integrated into mainstream conversation. Phrases like "I'm so ADHD today" have entered casual vocabulary, celebrities openly discuss their ADHD, and social media platforms feature ADHD content creators sharing relatable experiences.

Autism, however, still exists in a different category in many people's minds. The social stigma of autism continues to create barriers our children face daily.

Research supports this perception gap. Studies show that disclosing an ADHD diagnosis typically leads to less social distancing than revealing an autism diagnosis.

Why does this happen?

Different Framing, Different Acceptance

One key difference lies in how society frames these conditions. ADHD is often portrayed as a "productivity disorder"—something that affects how efficiently someone works but not who they fundamentally are. In our productivity-obsessed culture, this framing makes ADHD more relatable and less threatening to people's understanding of "normal" (Botha & Frost, 2020).

Autism, on the other hand, is frequently framed as a "social disorder"—something that affects a person's very ability to connect with others. Since human connection is so fundamental to how we see ourselves, this framing can make autism seem more "other" and more challenging for neurotypical people to understand.

From Traits to Disorders: The Perception Problem

Another factor is how behaviors are interpreted. As one researcher puts it, "ADHD behaviors are often misinterpreted as personality traits—being 'energetic' or a 'daydreamer'—while autism behaviors are more likely to be viewed as deficits."

I've witnessed this firsthand. When my friend's son with ADHD spoke passionately about dinosaurs during a playdate, other parents described him as "enthusiastic" and "so smart." When my daughter did the exact same thing about her interest in weather patterns, those same parents later asked me if she "ever talks about normal kid stuff."

Media Portrayal Deepens the Divide

Media representations also contribute to this acceptance gap. A study examining portrayal of neurodevelopmental conditions found that ADHD stories typically focus on treatment and management, while autism narratives emphasize difference and disability (Holton et al., 2019).

Think about popular characters with suggested ADHD traits—they're often portrayed as quirky, creative, and ultimately successful with the right support. Meanwhile, autism representations, while improving, still frequently emphasize challenges over strengths.

The Double Stigma of PDA

For parents of children with PDA, the stigma situation becomes even more complex. PDA, a profile seen in some children with autism, involves extreme anxiety triggered by demands and expectations.

The challenge with PDA is twofold: first, it's less recognized than either classic autism or ADHD, creating significant barriers to understanding (O'Nions et al., 2018). Second, the demand avoidance is frequently misinterpreted as defiance or behavioral problems rather than anxiety-based avoidance.

This creates what some researchers call a "double stigma"—children with PDA are judged both for their autism and for perceived behavioral problems. In fact, parents of children with PDA report experiencing higher levels of judgment from others than parents of children with other autism presentations (National Autistic Society, 2020).

As a parent, I've experienced this personally. When my daughter was overwhelmed by demands at school and shut down, her teachers initially labeled her as "oppositional" rather than recognizing her anxiety response. This misunderstanding led to approaches that increased rather than decreased her distress.

The Parent Experience: Different Judgments

The stigma our children face directly impacts how we as parents are perceived and supported.

With ADHD, parent blame often takes the form of: "If you just provided more structure..." or "Have you tried cutting out sugar?" These suggestions, while frustrating, still assume you can effectively parent your child with the right approach.

With autism and especially PDA, the judgment cuts deeper. I've heard everything from "She needs to learn she can't always get her way" to painful whispers about whether my child will "ever be normal." These comments question not just parenting approaches but often the very possibility of a fulfilling life for our children.

This difference in parental judgment is reflected in research showing that mothers of children with autism report higher levels of perceived stigma about their parenting than almost any other group (Neely-Barnes et al., 2011). It's no wonder us PDA moms are so exhasuted all the time.

Practical Strategies: Fighting the Acceptance Gap

Given these realities, how do we support our children and ourselves? Here are strategies I've found effective in addressing the unique stigma surrounding autism and PDA:

1. Reframe the narrative with strategic disclosure

How we talk about our children's diagnoses can significantly impact how others respond. Instead of simply saying "my daughter has autism," I've found it more effective to say something like: "My daughter has autism, which means her brain processes social information differently. She's incredibly perceptive about some things, like patterns in nature, while finding other things more challenging."

For children with PDA, explaining the anxiety connection is crucial: "When my daughter seems resistant, she's actually experiencing intense anxiety about expectations. Approaching things indirectly helps her feel safe enough to engage."

This framing helps others understand that autism and PDA aren't about defiance or inability, but about different ways of processing and responding to the world.

2. Use relatable analogies for anxiety and demand avoidance

For many people, PDA behaviors can be particularly difficult to understand. I've found analogies incredibly helpful for building bridges of understanding.

I often explain it this way: "You know how some people have a fear of heights that makes them freeze when they're somewhere high, even if logically they know they're safe? For my daughter, expectations and demands trigger a similar fear response. Her brain perceives demands as threats, even when logically she might want to do the actual activity."

This comparison helps people connect PDA to experiences they understand, like common phobias, rather than seeing it as willful behavior.

3. Focus on anxiety, not behavior

When explaining your child's needs to teachers, family, or others, consistently redirect focus from behavior to the underlying anxiety. Instead of "She refuses to participate in group activities," try "Group activities trigger her anxiety, which she expresses through avoidance."

Research shows that when people understand behavior as communication about anxiety rather than defiance, they respond with more empathy and flexibility.

I've used this approach with my daughter's teachers, helping them see that her "resistance" was actually anxiety. Once they understood this, they could work with her anxiety instead of against her perceived opposition.

4. Build specific community support for PDA

The unique challenges of parenting a child with PDA require specific support. Online groups like "PDA Parents Together" or local support networks specifically for PDA can provide strategies and validation that more general autism or ADHD groups might not.

In our case, connecting with other PDA families has been life-changing. These parents "get it" in a way others don't, offering practical strategies that work with—not against—our children's neurology.

5. Educate key people with concise, accessible information

For teachers, family members, and others who spend significant time with your child, providing brief, clear information about autism or PDA can make a tremendous difference.

I created a one-page "Understanding My Child" sheet for my daughter's teachers that explains:

• What PDA is (and isn't)

• Common triggers for anxiety

• Strategies that help

• Her specific strengths and interests

This approach has transformed how teachers interact with her—moving from frustration to understanding almost overnight.

You can find templates and resources to make such guides at https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/

6. Advocate for anxiety-based accommodations

When working with schools or activity providers, frame accommodations in terms of anxiety reduction rather than behavioral management. Instead of "She needs exceptions to the rules," try "These modifications help reduce her anxiety so she can participate more fully."

At my daughter's school, we worked with teachers to create options that reduced demand-related anxiety. For example, having alternate ways to demonstrate knowledge besides speaking in front of the class, or providing a quiet space she could access when feeling overwhelmed.

7. Connect strengths to real-world success

One powerful way to combat stigma is to highlight how the strengths associated with autism and PDA can lead to remarkable success. When people understand that attention to detail, pattern recognition, specialized knowledge, and other common autism traits are valuable in many fields, perception shifts from deficit to difference.

I make a point of sharing stories about successful adults with autism in conversations, helping others see that different neurological wiring brings unique advantages along with its challenges.

The Path Forward: From Acceptance to Understanding

While ADHD has made strides toward social acceptance, autism and PDA still face significant stigma. But I believe we're at a turning point. Through persistent education, advocacy, and community-building, we can create a world that not only accepts but understands and values our children's unique neurology.

The goal isn't to make autism "the new ADHD" in terms of casual social acceptance. Rather, it's to develop deeper understanding of all neurodevelopmental conditions—moving beyond surface-level acceptance to genuine comprehension and accommodation.

My hope is that one day, when a parent mentions their child has autism or PDA, they'll receive the same supportive response as any other parent: "Tell me more about your amazing child and how I can be supportive."

Next Steps

Parenting a child with autism and PDA is both challenging and rewarding. If you're looking for more practical strategies and insights, I've compiled extensive research and personal experience in my book, "A Practical Parent's Guide to PDA and Autism."  This resource provides concrete approaches tailored specifically to parents and caregivers of children who experience both autism and PDA.

As a parent juggling therapy appointments, IEP meetings, and the daily challenges of raising a child with PDA, I know you barely have time to sit down, let alone read a book. That's exactly why I've made "A Practical Parent's Guide to PDA and Autism" available as an audiobook you can listen to during school drop-offs, while making dinner, or during those precious few minutes alone in the car. Transform your "lost time" into learning time by grabbing the audiobook here: US, UK, Australia, Canada, France, and Germany.

I wrote this book because I needed it myself and couldn't find anything like it. It offers practical, parent-to-parent advice based on both research and my own real-life experience raising a child with PDA, with specific chapters dedicated to understanding and preventing burnout. The strategies I share have helped thousands of families reduce stress and build more harmonious relationships with their neurodivergent children. As parents walking this path, we need real solutions from someone who truly understands—not just theory, but practical approaches that work in everyday life with our wonderful, complex children.

Your Turn

I'd love to hear about your experiences. Have you noticed a difference in how people respond to ADHD versus autism or PDA? What strategies have you found most effective in helping others understand your child's needs? Share your thoughts in the comments below to help other parents on similar journeys.

References

1. Botha, M., & Frost, D. M. (2020). Extending the minority stress model to understand mental health problems experienced by the autistic population. Society and Mental Health, 10(1), 20-34.

2. Christie, P., Duncan, M., Fidler, R., & Healy, Z. (2021). Understanding pathological demand avoidance in autism: A guide for parents, teachers and other professionals. Jessica Kingsley Publishers.

3. Crane, L., Batty, R., Adeyinka, H., Goddard, L., Henry, L. A., & Hill, E. L. (2020). Autism diagnosis disclosure: Preparing autism spectrum disorder children for school and beyond. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 50(10), 3764-3776.

4. Eaton, J. (2020). A guide to mental health issues in girls and young women on the autism spectrum: Diagnosis, intervention and family support. Jessica Kingsley Publishers.

5. Green, J., Absoud, M., Grahame, V., Malik, O., Simonoff, E., Le Couteur, A., & Baird, G. (2022). Pathological demand avoidance: symptoms but not a syndrome. The Lancet Child & Adolescent Health, 2(6), 455-464.

6. Holton, A. E., Farrell, L. C., & Fudge, J. L. (2019). A threatening space?: Stigmatization and the framing of autism in the news. Communication Studies, 65(2), 189-207.

7. Leadbitter, K., Buckle, K. L., Ellis, C., & Dekker, M. (2019). Autistic self-advocacy and the neurodiversity movement: Implications for autism early intervention research and practice. Frontiers in Psychology, 10, 1767.

8. Livingston, L. A., Shah, P., & Happé, F. (2022). Compensatory strategies below the behavioural surface in autism: A qualitative study. The Lancet Psychiatry, 6(9), 766-777.

9. National Autistic Society. (2020). PDA: a guide for parents. Retrieved from www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/diagnosis/pda/parents

10. Neely-Barnes, S. L., Hall, H. R., Roberts, R. J., & Graff, J. C. (2011). Parenting a child with an autism spectrum disorder: Public perceptions and parental conceptualizations. Journal of Family Social Work, 14(3), 208-225.

11. O'Nions, E., & Noens, I. (2018). Commentary: Conceptualising demand avoidance in an ASD context – a response to Osman Malik & Gillian Baird (2018). Child and Adolescent Mental Health, 23(4), 389-390.

12. O'Nions, E., Viding, E., Greven, C. U., Ronald, A., & Happé, F. (2018). Pathological demand avoidance: Exploring the behavioural profile. Autism, 18(5), 538-544.

13. Sarrett, J. C. (2021). Autism and accommodations in higher education: Insights from the autism community. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 48(3), 679-693.

14. Sasson, N. J., & Morrison, K. E. (2019). First impressions of adults with autism improve with diagnostic disclosure and increased autism knowledge of peers. Autism, 23(1), 50-59.